i feel like i'm doing something very wrong with my life, but i can't put my finger on it.
i'm afraid that perhaps the 'american dream' is a fraudulent concept-- a facade. and i've found myself trapped in circumstances that require i pursue this facade though it may never be realized.
i also feel exhausted and perhaps even a bit angry. there are so many battles to fight from day to day. and almost all of them seem overwhelming.
ants crawling on the counter tops in my kitchen while invading the other parts of my house. shifting foundation causing cracks and leaks in 'my home' (really, the bank's home). delinquent taxes to pay on my first house with an ultimatum of penalties if i don't hurry up and pay soon. my tenant had to call a plumber, so now i basically don't get any rent from him this month. my kids constantly whine and complain and ask for more, even when you give and give and give and give. my wife keeps battling with depression and self esteem and copes by trying to landscape our yard. that involves trips to lowe's and home depot. then, everyone drowns their frustrations in fast food-- then we complain about being over weight. then, we get hot and turn on the air conditioning only to find that it will not cool our house any longer.
today, i think i found myself wanting to disconnect from it all. i just sat on my back porch and watched the wind rustle wave the branches of the two giant oak trees in my back yard. i just listened to the rushing sound of all the rustling leaves as the constant breeze made all the tree tops dance. the two massive trees in my back yard are both such a source of wonderful beauty and maddening frustration-- especially during the fall season. today, luckily, was a time to focus the beauty of those trees.
i remember thinking to myself that when my 'time' finally comes, i hope it could be while i was taking in a beautiful sight such as this.
a few days ago, my children unnerved me so with their arguing and complaining that i lost my temper. my wife bought a bunch of candy bars and brought them home. i didn't want any because it wasn't my 'free day' from my diet plan. so, the kids got to eat them along with my wife. even though my kids already had least one candy bar each, they were fighting over the left overs.
this was preceded by a massive amount of complaining and bickering from previous days. we were finding ourselves in a situation where we could buy our children toys, and they'd still cry because something wasn't right. no one was saying "thank you", or showing any sort of gratitude.
so, when the bickering began again, i became furious. i began to bash my fist against the kitchen table and i yelled at them at the top of my lungs about how i was sick and tired of them complaining and never being grateful for anything. after giving them a very stern tongue lashing, i sent them to bed. they were up too late, anyhow.
not one of my proudest moments, i must confess.
i hadn't realized that i banged the table so hard. When i finally calmed down, i noticed that a knuckle was bleeding.
i have to say, though . . . their complaining has dropped considerably since that evening.
tonight, that rage that i expressed the other night was slowly welling up inside of me again. this time, there was no trigger that was obvious to me. no one was complaining. but, i think i was reflecting on the enormity of it all-- all the battles that i can't seem to win in my life. the sense that perhaps i was simply doing something very wrong with my life and my choices have lead me down a path that was simply wrong for myself and my family. but now, i've gone too far down the road to turn back and find the life i really should have lived.
but, rather than releasing my inner ape by bashing more things or letting the primitive remnants of the reptilian brain take over, i went outside and meditated through qigong. i remember hearing that qigong is about simply 'being'. just exist and soak in that moment. empty out your mind into the universe and 'just be'. take in the energy of life that surrounds you and just enjoy that moment where your mind is void of all care, and just experience existence.
i did that in the coolness of the night. a gentle breeze helped quiet my mind as i imagined myself gathering a small handful of energy from the universe and simply enjoying my awareness of existence.
i don't believe literally in qi (or anything supernatural, for that matter), but there is something beneficial (for me, anyhow) about performing the qigong moves that i learned. it was either that, or start randomly throwing breakable objects around the house.
Hmmmmmm . . . .
i feel better now; especially after writing all of this out.
now, i guess i had better get some rest. i need to start figuring out which battles are really worth fighting. then, i need to come up with a battle plan.
i may need to start first with the air conditioning. that seems to be having the biggest effect on everyone's mood. sweltering southern heat doesn't mix well with depression, complaining children, and teeming ant invaders.