i really need some caffeine right now.
work has really been stressful (but at times, rewarding) lately. a lot of deadlines have hit me in this month. i'm reaching them, but it's talking a lot of effort. recently, my wife called me to meet over lunch. just as i got ready to get up, my desk phone rings with an urgent issue. lunch got cancelled. i had to tell her i couldn't make it after all. my heart sank a little bit at having to disappoint her like that. i felt like i was turning into a workaholic.
my heart pounds at night sometimes when it's all quiet and i'm trying to fall asleep. i wonder if my heart is about to give out. i wonder if maybe a panic attack is trying to sneak up on me. maybe it's death sneaking up on me.
so this week, i didn't drink any coffee-- but just green tea instead. i love green tea. but, i love coffee much, much more. i don't expect i'll ever give up coffee; i am a true addict to coffee. if coffee were an illegal substance, i'd be in prison for sure. but, i worry that all the coffee, plus the recent stress of the workplace, plus home life has got me a bit on edge. i noticed that last night, my heart didn't pond so much. i think laying off on the coffee has helped.
that sucks. i don't want that to be the solution to my problem.
i don't have any tea at home. my wife caught a movie while i was sleeping in from working so much. my kids woke me and begged to have friends over. so here i am-- feening for coffee and hoping my wife got my text about bring me home some tea since i'm stuck at the house making sure the kids don't kill each other or tear the house down. i could just make some . . . the beans are sitting just over there. i see them. they're right there.
which is worse? a pounding heart or a caffeine headache?