20120313

melog-20120313.log

today is my birthday. but, i only mention that for context.

my mother gave me a birthday card today. within it, she gave me a check for an amount of money that i will not disclose here.

but, more valuable than the check was her words on the card which read:

it has been a joy being your mother!

i was quite touched. i could tell that she was proud of me and my choices overall. i have a family, i work for a living, and i (so far) have stayed out of the prison system. none of my other male siblings can say all of these things together. i think that gives my mother a sense of relief that maybe she at least got parenting right with one of her kids.

but, i also hear something sad in her words. i felt as though she was telling me goodbye-- as if she is keenly aware that her journey in this life is drawing to a close. she knows that soon she won't be able to walk along our side any longer as our mother, or stand off from a distance and watch us venture out into the world for which she hoped to prepare us.

one day, i told my mom that my peers and I frequently repeat the same conversation about our parents.

she smiled and quipped-- what? you talk about how much we still get on your nerves.

"no", i told her. "we always talk about how we worry more and more about that day when we'll have to live the rest of our lives without you."

we both fell silent, acknowledging the inevitability of it all.

i love you mom.

i'm so glad you sacrificed all of your energy loving me, too. i only hope i can be half the parent that you were to my kids.