20110330

melog-20110330.log

My wife has finally started back to work again. I think she's back on her feet. Money might be tight for a bit because she missed over two weeks of work with no pay.

Ouch!

I did my lower body exercises with weights this time. My legs feel "touched", but not sore. We'll see in the morning time.

Lately, I keep getting caffeine headaches. I can't make them go way with tea any more, it seems. So, I was a bad boy and drank a really, really small cup of coffee. I even added water to it.

Poof! Headache melted away.

Now, I'm wide awake when I should be sound asleep by now. See, that's how my love-hate relationship with coffee goes.

I guess I'll go clean the kitchen up, fix lunch for the kids, and try to go to bed.

Oh, this is neither here, nor there, but I wonder-- we name planets and other celestial objects after ancient gods from mythology. I wonder if there will ever be a celestial object ever named after Jesus, Allah or Yahweh one day in the distant future.

Hmmmmm . . . .

20110327

melog-20110327.log

I've made it to start of week 13 in my exercise routine. I admit that last week, I was only diligent with my cardio and upper body weight training. I never did find the time to do my lower body strength training for the week. But, I had a lot of issues with work bleeding into my personal time.

Gotta curb that.

I'm proud that I've kept it up. I can see my body changing. By the end of this year, I think I'll actually look pretty good.

My wife seems much better now. Turns out she also had an infection that she was fighting off, that also kept her feeling really bad. She plans to go back to work now. We'll see how that goes. I think she's ready.

I'm so thankful that we took the extra step to encourage her to get help. I can't imagine (and don't want to imagine) how life would be like if she were dead for two weeks now.

Sends chills down my spine. And not the pleasant kind, either.

I read an interesting article online a few days ago. I'm trying to wrap my brain around it. It's titled How Steve Jobs 'Out Japanned' Japan. I'm trying to see how I might be able to apply this philosophy to my life. We'll see.

My son was in a chess tournament at his school. He came in tenth place out of 65 kids-- but he never practices that I can tell. I'm proud of him, but I wish he'd put some effort into growing his playing ability-- even if it's just slight.

I've learned that my daughter was getting picked on by a lot of kids on her soccer team. I also learned that another child on the bus was taking portions of her lunch from her.

Now I understand why parents storm onto a school bus and start beating up other people's kids.

But, I didn't do that . . . I just told the bus driver and e-mail her teacher. After that, I get word that the school Principal got involved before the day was over. I think that problem with the stolen lunch has been solved.

As for the soccer team, I told the coach. He was very apologetic. I appreciate that, but I don't think it would stop.

So, I asked my daughter if she wanted to play on the team any more.

At first, she said she wanted to. Later, she changed her mind. So, I didn't take her to her next game. I drove to the park and told the coach so that he'd know he was short a player.

If she wants to play in the next game, I'll let her. If she doesn't, well, that's the end of her seasons-- and soccer career.

My daughter doesn't have to spend time around people who will be mean to her. She deserves to have that absent from her life as much as possible.

Well . . . time to do some household chores, get something going for dinner, and rest up for whatever the hell this new week will throw at us.

20110321

melog-20110321.log

i have a lot i want to say on both of my blogs. comments to which i hope to reply, and new posts to make. i also want to comment on a few blogs i follow, but i am way too tired.

i've been up 36 hours getting by on only two naps, an hour each.

maybe tomorrow. tonight, i'm getting ready to snore my brains out.

20110318

melog-20110318.log

ah. finally. relaxation.

it's nice.

really nice.

sat on the couch and read through the latest issue of the humanist magazine. piddled around on facebook with my nifty samsung galaxy android phone. went out for steak, and took my wife and kids along.

now, i'm home again about to watch a dvd. right now, life is good.

sunday will start week 12 of my exercise program. this will be a mile stone so to speak. i will stop and evaluate my progress, my strengths, and weaknesses as i move into week thirteen.

i've still got a long ways to go and i've still got a pot belly. but, it's much smaller and i'm fitting into clothes that i couldn't get into before. i'm slimming down and i'm also feeling stronger and i can see how exercise has helped me stay resilient during tough moments in these past few weeks. physical strength can sometimes supplement mental strength.

i wish i could take this evening and bottle it; i'd be rich!

20110313

melog-20110313.log

If you've read my previous post, you'll know that exercise probably came very difficult for me this past week.

I did get some exercise in. I worked out Sunday, Thursday, and Friday. I didn't eat well, though. A lot of "stress" eating happened. I didn't want to give up. Making it to week ten is an achievement of which I'm personally proud.

But, overall, I think I did really well considering what I was up against.

I think week 11 will start off much better. I need to get it together and get back on track.

These are the moments that cause me to stop exercising. Here is where I really need to prove that I can stay the course. I gotta remember-- the journey IS the destination.

After 12 weeks of exercise, I'll evaluate where I've come from and where I am. Then, I'll keep plugging along.

20110312

melog-20110312.log

My dear wife had to go to the hospital at the beginning of this week. Her depression went too deep and her anxiety levels too high.

She stayed under doctor's care for five days. She's home now taking back her rightful place on the living room couch. She seems like herself again, yet somehow different.

Taking her to the emergency room was difficult; but, I had to hold it together for all of us.

But hours later-- when I finally got alone, I almost vomited from the nervousness I felt-- knowing that my wife barely had the presence of mind to refrain from committing suicide.

I learned a lot that day. I learned that I'm strong, but not that strong. I learned that I'm a really good dad. But, I'm not a very good single dad. The kids may favor my parenting style over their mom's, but they will come unglued if they go too long without my wife's mothering.

I learned that I love my wife-- more than I could ever have realized or articulated before she checked into the hospital. She completes our family and we need her even though we survived while she was away for nearly a week in the hospital.

She did not hurt herself, but she visited a counselor at my suggestion. She confessed to her counselor that she didn't think she could make it much longer and already had a plan in place to end her life.

I never saw so much anguish on a person's face before with my own two eyes and in the flesh. How unnerving it is to see such a look upon the face of your spouse!

I dreaded the thought of planning her funeral and trying to explain to the family what all went wrong in her life-- explaining to the kids why momma won't be coming home any more.

I simply felt sick; I'm surprised that I didn't crack.

And worse, I wondered if maybe taking her to the hospital was only like giving a terminally ill person painful treatments that will never truly bring healing. I didn't want to participate in prolonging her suffering if suicide was inevitable because of her mental anguish.

But, as many loved ones respond-- I just couldn't let her go that easily and I took her to the hospital.

I said above that she's herself again, but somehow different. She's different in that she seems like she's learned something new about herself. She's had a wealth of experiences during her five days of treatment. She has a new plan for living now. A plan to live and fight back against her depression and anxiety.

And I support her every step of the way.

A good friend of mine pointed out at the beginning of the week that we made the right decision by not giving in and going to the hospital. I can see that now; She was absolutely correct.

Perhaps euthanasia has a place in this world, but not when there is legitimate hope for recovery from whatever diseases ail you.

If you or a loved one is dealing with depression, take it very, very seriously; Get help. If you're already managing depression, don't give up. Explore. You just may find the new life you're looking for while traveling down the long road of treatment and recovery.

20110303

melog-20110303.log

this post may seem like a scattered flight of ideas, but i'm sort of in a hurry.

i cooked tonight, but no one ate. not even my son-- and he's always hungry.

see why i hardly bother with cooking?

my wife had a string of bad events happen to her today. they would probably seem insignificant to someone else (at least some of them, at least one of these events is actually fairly serious), but for her, they are the end of the world and i see her sinking into this dark place really fast. i hope she'll be ok and pull through.

i'm a bit worried. not about the events that happened. i think they will actually be ok in time. but, i'm worried more about my wife not standing up under the stress of it all. i'm trying to hold her up, but it's hard to brace up a structure that is crumbling in your hands.

sometimes i feel like a beast of burden, pulling the load of everyone else around me up a hill. in my cart, my wife and children are there. my mother and my brother in prison. my mother-in-law and her struggles with her own 98 year old mother.

i don't worry so much about the fact that I'm carrying other people's load. i worry that one day, the hitch to the cart will break and roll away from me. or, i'll give out and the cart will carry the load downhill-- me along with it.

in other news today, i did squats (without weights) and dead lifts (without weights-- i know, not much of a dead lift without weights, huh?) and calf raises. i have not been doing this when i worked out my lower body. i'm phasing this in. i. am. sore. i didn't do any cardio because my legs hurt too damned much.

but, after i recover, i'll try to keep the new addition to my routine going. then, i'll gradually add weights into the routine-- in time.

wow. that's all the good news i have for tonight.