melog-20110701.log

boy . . . i haven't posted in a while. some of it is being busy, some of it is being lazy. some of it is having nothing to say. some of it is being a bit bored with blogging. (gasp!)

some of it is also not having the wherewithal to describe everything that is happening. it's like trying to explain what happened at work to someone who has no idea what you do for your career. you can't clearly communicate much if you don't take the time to lay some ground work first.

there isn't any context.

trying to build context can be lengthy, sometimes. the talker doesn't feel like saying it all, and the listener sure as hell doesn't feel like listening, either.

that's one of the reasons why old friends that you've had for years are so priceless. they know the context and they keep up with it as it changes and evolves. sometimes, you don't even have to speak-- they already know the context and understand where you're coming from when you sigh, moan, grunt, or simply fall silent.

i'm not up for building the kind of context that it would take to go into all that is going on right now in my life. at least, not here in this blog.

i will say, however, that i realized that today i have a deep regret.

i regret not being able to say that i have a life time of study in anything. i'm good at a lot of things, but i'm not a master at anything. i see people almost half my age coming along, showing great promise and talent in some many interesting things.

i just sort of fell into what i do. but, some of these kids-- they were born with a motherboard in their laps. I'm running into 20 somethings with 15 years of experience with computers. that's hard to compete with when you ambled into the field only ten years ago-- and took about five years to even understand what you like about the field.

anyhow . . . i feel a bit inferior today. not too bad, but it can't deny it. throwing down a few sam adam's helped a little bit. so did the belgium chocolate cheese cake and the honey-mustard, chipotle chicken crispers and the strawberry smoothie-- with a mountain of whip cream on top.

oh, and i had mozzarella sticks, too.

i'm gonna be sick tomorrow.

i've gotten lax on my exercising. i haven't totally given up. i haven't gained it all back or anything. but, i need to get back on it before i find myself filled with more regret six months down the road.

my wife gave me the evening to hang out by myself tonight since she get's so many "girls' night" outings. she's ten to my two, or something like that.

i've been tempted to drop this blog and revert back to the other one i had "uruk's black box". i have no idea why. it wouldn't matter much in the end. kind of stupid to change around low profile blog.

well, had better wrap it up. i'm at a coffee shop and they look like they're trying to close up.

the wireless signal is strong with this place.

melog-20110513.log

Finally! Blogger's back.

Ouch-- that was a long outage as far as Internet, cloud services go.

Anyhow . . .

I finally got my air working again. I had a server issues at work where I had to manipulate the jumpers on a hard drive. Doing that inadvertently trained my mind to notice the shape of the little shunts that fit over the pins.

Well . . . it got so hot that my wife just complained and complained and complained.

And rightly so . . . it was quite miserable in our house.

She left to go visit a friend and get some touch ups done to her hair. While she was gone, I took a flash light and some tools. I opened the air conditioning unit in the back of my house and shined the light down and tried to make sense of it all.

I got nothing.

At first.

Then, I noticed a black wire with a little shunt attached to the end of it-- very much like a hard drive jumper.

Hmmmmm . . . .

Then, I noticed a tiny metal flange that was begging for something to slide over it.

Like that shunt on the end of that black wire.

Worked like a charm. I'm chillin' like a villain.

Things are getting better about my mood lately. My (meager)study of Kung Fu has taught me that every obstacle should be met with an attitude that is as relaxed as possible. So, when I get frustrated, I assume the seated relaxed position where you sit on the floor cross legged with your wrists resting on your knees. I take deep breaths and meditate and center myself.

That helps a lot these days.

Anyhow, things are getting better around the house, too. I've got virtually all the laundry done. Now-- step by step-- time to work on the rest of the house.

*Breath deeply*

melog-20110511.log

I had gotten my air conditioning fixed a few days ago. But, now it's not working again.

I also had a long day at work because things weren't working.

I notice that all around me, things don't seem to work.

Entropy. It is what has made the universe, and it is the thing that tears everything apart.

Lately, I feel like I keep fighting my way uphill-- even on the things that I thought would be simple.

I'm getting tired and want a break from all the entropy. A break from the struggle.
I want my air to work. I want the ants to go away in my kitchen. I want the house to stay clean. I want my son to let the toilet lid down and stop rummaging through out the house at 2:00 in the morning when he's in a sleepy stupor. He marches through the house like someone who can't hold his pee any longer, but wanders aimlessly through the house, room by room-- lost.

And sometimes, he doesn't quite make it to the bathroom when he's in that state of mind.

But, that's not his fault. Still though, will he ever grow out of it?

So many broken things to fix. So many broken people, too.

I see why those who seek enlightenment don't own anything.

melog-20110424.log

i feel like i'm doing something very wrong with my life, but i can't put my finger on it.

i'm afraid that perhaps the 'american dream' is a fraudulent concept-- a facade. and i've found myself trapped in circumstances that require i pursue this facade though it may never be realized.

i also feel exhausted and perhaps even a bit angry. there are so many battles to fight from day to day. and almost all of them seem overwhelming.

ants crawling on the counter tops in my kitchen while invading the other parts of my house. shifting foundation causing cracks and leaks in 'my home' (really, the bank's home). delinquent taxes to pay on my first house with an ultimatum of penalties if i don't hurry up and pay soon. my tenant had to call a plumber, so now i basically don't get any rent from him this month. my kids constantly whine and complain and ask for more, even when you give and give and give and give. my wife keeps battling with depression and self esteem and copes by trying to landscape our yard. that involves trips to lowe's and home depot. then, everyone drowns their frustrations in fast food-- then we complain about being over weight. then, we get hot and turn on the air conditioning only to find that it will not cool our house any longer.

today, i think i found myself wanting to disconnect from it all. i just sat on my back porch and watched the wind rustle wave the branches of the two giant oak trees in my back yard. i just listened to the rushing sound of all the rustling leaves as the constant breeze made all the tree tops dance. the two massive trees in my back yard are both such a source of wonderful beauty and maddening frustration-- especially during the fall season. today, luckily, was a time to focus the beauty of those trees.


i remember thinking to myself that when my 'time' finally comes, i hope it could be while i was taking in a beautiful sight such as this.

a few days ago, my children unnerved me so with their arguing and complaining that i lost my temper. my wife bought a bunch of candy bars and brought them home. i didn't want any because it wasn't my 'free day' from my diet plan. so, the kids got to eat them along with my wife. even though my kids already had least one candy bar each, they were fighting over the left overs.

this was preceded by a massive amount of complaining and bickering from previous days. we were finding ourselves in a situation where we could buy our children toys, and they'd still cry because something wasn't right. no one was saying "thank you", or showing any sort of gratitude.

so, when the bickering began again, i became furious. i began to bash my fist against the kitchen table and i yelled at them at the top of my lungs about how i was sick and tired of them complaining and never being grateful for anything. after giving them a very stern tongue lashing, i sent them to bed. they were up too late, anyhow.

not one of my proudest moments, i must confess.

i hadn't realized that i banged the table so hard. When i finally calmed down, i noticed that a knuckle was bleeding.


i have to say, though . . . their complaining has dropped considerably since that evening.

tonight, that rage that i expressed the other night was slowly welling up inside of me again. this time, there was no trigger that was obvious to me. no one was complaining. but, i think i was reflecting on the enormity of it all-- all the battles that i can't seem to win in my life. the sense that perhaps i was simply doing something very wrong with my life and my choices have lead me down a path that was simply wrong for myself and my family. but now, i've gone too far down the road to turn back and find the life i really should have lived.

but, rather than releasing my inner ape by bashing more things or letting the primitive remnants of the reptilian brain take over, i went outside and meditated through qigong. i remember hearing that qigong is about simply 'being'. just exist and soak in that moment. empty out your mind into the universe and 'just be'. take in the energy of life that surrounds you and just enjoy that moment where your mind is void of all care, and just experience existence.

i did that in the coolness of the night. a gentle breeze helped quiet my mind as i imagined myself gathering a small handful of energy from the universe and simply enjoying my awareness of existence.

i don't believe literally in qi (or anything supernatural, for that matter), but there is something beneficial (for me, anyhow) about performing the qigong moves that i learned. it was either that, or start randomly throwing breakable objects around the house.

Hmmmmmm . . . .

i feel better now; especially after writing all of this out.

now, i guess i had better get some rest. i need to start figuring out which battles are really worth fighting. then, i need to come up with a battle plan.

i may need to start first with the air conditioning. that seems to be having the biggest effect on everyone's mood. sweltering southern heat doesn't mix well with depression, complaining children, and teeming ant invaders.

melog-2010-04-20.log

damn, i've been busy. i hate being so busy.

my air is pumping at high gear, but i'm sweating uncontrollably. not sure what's up with that. maybe my metabolism is kicking up a few notches or something.

i'm in my 16th week of exercising. i'm still hanging in there. i've been trying to concentrate more on building more muscle. i've been working a lot on my lower body while trying to push myself to lift more with my upper body-- but of course, not so much that i injure myself. injury is only bad news.

i've been banging my head up against a program called ocsinventory. i keep getting a 301 error when my agents try to upload or report to the client. i suspect it's a perl module problem, but who knows. google hasn't told me anything. people on the message boards ask, but get no answer. it sucks.

my body is really taking on a new shape. my upper body is starting to look really nice. now, if i can just get rid of my homer simpson-like pot belly, i'll be doing really well!

can you imagine someone with the physique of a boxer from the collarbone up, but a chest and belly like homer simpson? you can laugh . . . it's ok.

easter is just around the corner. i'm expected to go to church i'm sure. i don't look forward to it, but such is life.

i can really feel the financial squeeze of my wife being out of work those last few weeks. she's back to work now, but we're behind a good bit. i'm starting to squeal in pain.

time to rinse off in the shower. i'm sweating uncontrollably and i don't really know why. maybe it's hotter than i realize.

melog-20110330.log

My wife has finally started back to work again. I think she's back on her feet. Money might be tight for a bit because she missed over two weeks of work with no pay.

Ouch!

I did my lower body exercises with weights this time. My legs feel "touched", but not sore. We'll see in the morning time.

Lately, I keep getting caffeine headaches. I can't make them go way with tea any more, it seems. So, I was a bad boy and drank a really, really small cup of coffee. I even added water to it.

Poof! Headache melted away.

Now, I'm wide awake when I should be sound asleep by now. See, that's how my love-hate relationship with coffee goes.

I guess I'll go clean the kitchen up, fix lunch for the kids, and try to go to bed.

Oh, this is neither here, nor there, but I wonder-- we name planets and other celestial objects after ancient gods from mythology. I wonder if there will ever be a celestial object ever named after Jesus, Allah or Yahweh one day in the distant future.

Hmmmmm . . . .

melog-20110327.log

I've made it to start of week 13 in my exercise routine. I admit that last week, I was only diligent with my cardio and upper body weight training. I never did find the time to do my lower body strength training for the week. But, I had a lot of issues with work bleeding into my personal time.

Gotta curb that.

I'm proud that I've kept it up. I can see my body changing. By the end of this year, I think I'll actually look pretty good.

My wife seems much better now. Turns out she also had an infection that she was fighting off, that also kept her feeling really bad. She plans to go back to work now. We'll see how that goes. I think she's ready.

I'm so thankful that we took the extra step to encourage her to get help. I can't imagine (and don't want to imagine) how life would be like if she were dead for two weeks now.

Sends chills down my spine. And not the pleasant kind, either.

I read an interesting article online a few days ago. I'm trying to wrap my brain around it. It's titled How Steve Jobs 'Out Japanned' Japan. I'm trying to see how I might be able to apply this philosophy to my life. We'll see.

My son was in a chess tournament at his school. He came in tenth place out of 65 kids-- but he never practices that I can tell. I'm proud of him, but I wish he'd put some effort into growing his playing ability-- even if it's just slight.

I've learned that my daughter was getting picked on by a lot of kids on her soccer team. I also learned that another child on the bus was taking portions of her lunch from her.

Now I understand why parents storm onto a school bus and start beating up other people's kids.

But, I didn't do that . . . I just told the bus driver and e-mail her teacher. After that, I get word that the school Principal got involved before the day was over. I think that problem with the stolen lunch has been solved.

As for the soccer team, I told the coach. He was very apologetic. I appreciate that, but I don't think it would stop.

So, I asked my daughter if she wanted to play on the team any more.

At first, she said she wanted to. Later, she changed her mind. So, I didn't take her to her next game. I drove to the park and told the coach so that he'd know he was short a player.

If she wants to play in the next game, I'll let her. If she doesn't, well, that's the end of her seasons-- and soccer career.

My daughter doesn't have to spend time around people who will be mean to her. She deserves to have that absent from her life as much as possible.

Well . . . time to do some household chores, get something going for dinner, and rest up for whatever the hell this new week will throw at us.