I aggravated a muscle in my back which I had pulled a few years ago. Seems like an injured muscle in the back never gets 100% better. Not sure what's going on with that, but I hear that from many people who have injured their backs in the past.
So, when I do my weight lifting in the morning, I'll have to skip my back exercises. The pain is not excruciating like when I first pulled the muscle. But the pain is just enough to let me know I had better take it easy.
My distraction from my exercising today is due to a conversation I had with my wife before I went to work-out. She took our daughter to visit an old daycare playmate of hers. Their family is quite affluent and quite frankly, make us look like po' folk. But not only that, they seem to have all their ducks in a row, so to speak, and their life of success, money, and world travel from now until retirement already seems planned out and achievable.
So my wife asks me if we even have plans for the next two years.
I do . . . but they are not as vast or ambitious. Nor will my plans likely satisfy her query. So, I evaded the question a bit.
She also expressed tons of self doubt and voiced that she is now feeling depressed.
(no-- real depression. not the "play" stuff)
So, I was distracted when I went to exercise. The work-out did clear my mind a bit, but at the same time, the effort I try to put into my cardio was certainly diminished.
I contemplated what makes someone happy. Is there a difference between happiness and contentment? Why do some people seem happy in nearly any circumstance or in the face of any adversity, and others crumble when the appear that all is well for them.
Well, some of the answer lies in biology and personal history. A person who has been abused for any length of time can become biologically hard-wired for sadness and depression. That is partly why inflicting trauma on someone is such a horrendous act. More harm is done than what occurs in the act itself, but a residual damage is constantly inflicted long after the traumatic event has physically ceased.
Such a crime, these things are. And such a shame that too often, the offenders go unpunished while the victim is left without any sense of vindication whatsoever.
I am tempted to say that happiness alludes so many people because they simply have the wrong perspective. Contentment comes to those who are happy about life, not necessarily happy about the events in one's life.
While that thought may have a kernel of truth, such a statement is much too simplistic.
I feel inadequate when my wife becomes depressed. But, after nine years of parenthood and 13 years of marriage I have learned that you cannot make other people truly happy. You can support them, encourage them, and make them feel better. You can help them over hurdles, help them change their lives, and be a shoulder to cry upon during dark times. And these are noble things for sure.
But to grant happiness is not a power or possession that anyone has to give. One must find his or her own way to happiness. And I fear, too many look in all the wrong places for it.
So, I was distracted when I went to exercise. The work-out did clear my mind a bit, but at the same time, the effort I try to put into my cardio was certainly diminished.
I contemplated what makes someone happy. Is there a difference between happiness and contentment? Why do some people seem happy in nearly any circumstance or in the face of any adversity, and others crumble when the appear that all is well for them.
Well, some of the answer lies in biology and personal history. A person who has been abused for any length of time can become biologically hard-wired for sadness and depression. That is partly why inflicting trauma on someone is such a horrendous act. More harm is done than what occurs in the act itself, but a residual damage is constantly inflicted long after the traumatic event has physically ceased.
Such a crime, these things are. And such a shame that too often, the offenders go unpunished while the victim is left without any sense of vindication whatsoever.
I am tempted to say that happiness alludes so many people because they simply have the wrong perspective. Contentment comes to those who are happy about life, not necessarily happy about the events in one's life.
While that thought may have a kernel of truth, such a statement is much too simplistic.
I feel inadequate when my wife becomes depressed. But, after nine years of parenthood and 13 years of marriage I have learned that you cannot make other people truly happy. You can support them, encourage them, and make them feel better. You can help them over hurdles, help them change their lives, and be a shoulder to cry upon during dark times. And these are noble things for sure.
But to grant happiness is not a power or possession that anyone has to give. One must find his or her own way to happiness. And I fear, too many look in all the wrong places for it.
4 comments:
Wow. This was a page right out of my life.
Very well-put, Uruk. As you can probably tell from what you've read of me, I completely relate. To this day I avoid reconnecting with peers and people from my past because I fear being looked upon as "the one without the plan" who has not ducks, but pigeons--blind, flightless, mechanically-impaired, mindless pigeons who can't stay in place even if moving kills them. So for me, there is no facebook or social media at all, and no frequent phone calls; I don't want to see pictures of what they think my life should look like, and I don't want questions about what I plan to do about it. I have several email addresses and they're all under aliases; I just don't want to be found. Even us "po' folk" have a right to the richness of happiness, even if, for the time being at least, it's unconventional and doesn't include friends or status updates.
I recently came across something that defined happiness as the ability to accept your life and find joy in it as it is. While I'm unsure of whether I fully agree, I CAN say that acceptance is a big part of the equation, and no one has the power to give that either.
And your statement about your feelings when your wife is depressed was very moving. It gave me something else to think about.
Glad to know someone else can empathize, though I'm not so sure this is an experience I'd wish on anyone.
Yes, I've generally been a happy person all of my life. I used to be quite ambitious, but somewhere along the way I realized I had a false sense of how great I was. But, I also realized that I'm doing better than many of my peers in some respects. I'm married (going on 14 years, but not yet) with two cute, smart children-- and many people envy me and my wife for that.
But, it's not easy to maintain at all, as I'm sure you know from your own experiences.
Even with that, people still will size you up and wonder why you aren't further along in life.
I'm doing damn good maintaining what I currently have! I don't need any more activity or tokens of success in my life.
I've noticed that I let things go easily (usually). I forgive fairly easily and I like to move on past a problem. I tend to think about how things could be worse, not that they are the worst. I guess in my wife's mind, I get stagnant sometimes. But, I enjoy waking up on a Saturday, rolling over, and realizing I ain't got shit to do today, so let's go back to sleep.
My wife . . . she's wondering why we're laying around. We need to get out of the house and do something. And sometimes, that's actually good for us and we need that so we won't become sloths.
But sometimes, we just need our damn rest.
Anyhow, that's neither here nor there. Thanks for your comments. They have in turn, cause me to think more deeply about happiness, too. I wish there was a way to pass it around. Reminds me of that old Coke commercial -- "I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony."
Ah . . . if it were just as easy as buying everyone a coke . . .
Or as Robert Fulghum said: Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap.
That's my kind of thinking.
Oh, and speaking of Robert Fulghum, you might enjoy this particular post he did. I just read it after posting my last comment:
In the middle of the middle
I think it's worthwhile reading.
I DID enjoy it very much--Thanks! (It was so... right.)
I think I've got the best of both (you and your wife's) worlds in my head. I was never considered a happy person, but always very ambitious, sometimes being told I was too ambitious by people who lacked drive or goals loftier than basic survival. I was dealing with a lot of things no one knew about, or things that were known but wouldn't change, thanks to my mom. I was always deep in thought more than anything else. However, my daughter and husband now know me as something different, with the rest of the world left thinking what they wish.
But I do tend to gravitate towards thinking the worst; I guess it's a learned pattern. I'm working on re-training my thoughts, but I always figured if I prepared for the worst I'd be prepared for anything else. That, and, barring pessimistic perception some of the worst things always seemed to happen. I would go further but after I typed it it seemed too heavy and more personal than I care to reveal. But you get what I'm saying; I know the difference between negative thinking and really bad, egregious shit happening... lol.
I can "lol" it now because I've accepted that was the way it WAS, not the way it will continue to be. I'm looking forward to living my life in reverse and making up for all the things I couldn't do, regardless of how awkward I look taking dance or music lessons at twenty-something, or the terrifying thought of not being finished a BA until I'm 40.
We all just have to find/make our happiness where we can (whatever we understand it to be), and in the interim have a Coke to pass the time.
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