melog-20110312.log

My dear wife had to go to the hospital at the beginning of this week. Her depression went too deep and her anxiety levels too high.

She stayed under doctor's care for five days. She's home now taking back her rightful place on the living room couch. She seems like herself again, yet somehow different.

Taking her to the emergency room was difficult; but, I had to hold it together for all of us.

But hours later-- when I finally got alone, I almost vomited from the nervousness I felt-- knowing that my wife barely had the presence of mind to refrain from committing suicide.

I learned a lot that day. I learned that I'm strong, but not that strong. I learned that I'm a really good dad. But, I'm not a very good single dad. The kids may favor my parenting style over their mom's, but they will come unglued if they go too long without my wife's mothering.

I learned that I love my wife-- more than I could ever have realized or articulated before she checked into the hospital. She completes our family and we need her even though we survived while she was away for nearly a week in the hospital.

She did not hurt herself, but she visited a counselor at my suggestion. She confessed to her counselor that she didn't think she could make it much longer and already had a plan in place to end her life.

I never saw so much anguish on a person's face before with my own two eyes and in the flesh. How unnerving it is to see such a look upon the face of your spouse!

I dreaded the thought of planning her funeral and trying to explain to the family what all went wrong in her life-- explaining to the kids why momma won't be coming home any more.

I simply felt sick; I'm surprised that I didn't crack.

And worse, I wondered if maybe taking her to the hospital was only like giving a terminally ill person painful treatments that will never truly bring healing. I didn't want to participate in prolonging her suffering if suicide was inevitable because of her mental anguish.

But, as many loved ones respond-- I just couldn't let her go that easily and I took her to the hospital.

I said above that she's herself again, but somehow different. She's different in that she seems like she's learned something new about herself. She's had a wealth of experiences during her five days of treatment. She has a new plan for living now. A plan to live and fight back against her depression and anxiety.

And I support her every step of the way.

A good friend of mine pointed out at the beginning of the week that we made the right decision by not giving in and going to the hospital. I can see that now; She was absolutely correct.

Perhaps euthanasia has a place in this world, but not when there is legitimate hope for recovery from whatever diseases ail you.

If you or a loved one is dealing with depression, take it very, very seriously; Get help. If you're already managing depression, don't give up. Explore. You just may find the new life you're looking for while traveling down the long road of treatment and recovery.