melog-20110303.log

this post may seem like a scattered flight of ideas, but i'm sort of in a hurry.

i cooked tonight, but no one ate. not even my son-- and he's always hungry.

see why i hardly bother with cooking?

my wife had a string of bad events happen to her today. they would probably seem insignificant to someone else (at least some of them, at least one of these events is actually fairly serious), but for her, they are the end of the world and i see her sinking into this dark place really fast. i hope she'll be ok and pull through.

i'm a bit worried. not about the events that happened. i think they will actually be ok in time. but, i'm worried more about my wife not standing up under the stress of it all. i'm trying to hold her up, but it's hard to brace up a structure that is crumbling in your hands.

sometimes i feel like a beast of burden, pulling the load of everyone else around me up a hill. in my cart, my wife and children are there. my mother and my brother in prison. my mother-in-law and her struggles with her own 98 year old mother.

i don't worry so much about the fact that I'm carrying other people's load. i worry that one day, the hitch to the cart will break and roll away from me. or, i'll give out and the cart will carry the load downhill-- me along with it.

in other news today, i did squats (without weights) and dead lifts (without weights-- i know, not much of a dead lift without weights, huh?) and calf raises. i have not been doing this when i worked out my lower body. i'm phasing this in. i. am. sore. i didn't do any cardio because my legs hurt too damned much.

but, after i recover, i'll try to keep the new addition to my routine going. then, i'll gradually add weights into the routine-- in time.

wow. that's all the good news i have for tonight.

melog-20110227.log

As far as exercise goes, I've started week nine. I had trouble putting my best effort into my cardio today because of personal matters that I will express below. I feel like I'm reaching a mile stone, nonetheless, and I'm proud of myself for keeping up.

I aggravated a muscle in my back which I had pulled a few years ago. Seems like an injured muscle in the back never gets 100% better. Not sure what's going on with that, but I hear that from many people who have injured their backs in the past.

So, when I do my weight lifting in the morning, I'll have to skip my back exercises. The pain is not excruciating like when I first pulled the muscle. But the pain is just enough to let me know I had better take it easy.

My distraction from my exercising today is due to a conversation I had with my wife before I went to work-out. She took our daughter to visit an old daycare playmate of hers. Their family is quite affluent and quite frankly, make us look like po' folk. But not only that, they seem to have all their ducks in a row, so to speak, and their life of success, money, and world travel from now until retirement already seems planned out and achievable.

So my wife asks me if we even have plans for the next two years.

I do . . . but they are not as vast or ambitious. Nor will my plans likely satisfy her query. So, I evaded the question a bit.

She also expressed tons of self doubt and voiced that she is now feeling depressed.

(no-- real depression. not the "play" stuff)

So, I was distracted when I went to exercise. The work-out did clear my mind a bit, but at the same time, the effort I try to put into my cardio was certainly diminished.

I contemplated what makes someone happy. Is there a difference between happiness and contentment? Why do some people seem happy in nearly any circumstance or in the face of any adversity, and others crumble when the appear that all is well for them.

Well, some of the answer lies in biology and personal history. A person who has been abused for any length of time can become biologically hard-wired for sadness and depression. That is partly why inflicting trauma on someone is such a horrendous act. More harm is done than what occurs in the act itself, but a residual damage is constantly inflicted long after the traumatic event has physically ceased.

Such a crime, these things are. And such a shame that too often, the offenders go unpunished while the victim is left without any sense of vindication whatsoever.


I am tempted to say that happiness alludes so many people because they simply have the wrong perspective. Contentment comes to those who are happy about life, not necessarily happy about the events in one's life.

While that thought may have a kernel of truth, such a statement is much too simplistic.

I feel inadequate when my wife becomes depressed. But, after nine years of parenthood and 13 years of marriage I have learned that you cannot make other people truly happy. You can support them, encourage them, and make them feel better. You can help them over hurdles, help them change their lives, and be a shoulder to cry upon during dark times. And these are noble things for sure.

But to grant happiness is not a power or possession that anyone has to give. One must find his or her own way to happiness. And I fear, too many look in all the wrong places for it.

melog-20110223.log.0

I made sure I did my weight lifting today. I didn't want to do it, but I made myself. I took my daughter to soccer practice and spent time with my son while she was with her team. Any cardio that I missed, was made up for today running around with my son.

He falls a lot when he plays soccer. Tonight, I found out why: he tries to trip his opponent when he can't get the ball.

I learned the hard way when he sent me straight into the dirt.

Glad I've been active lately, or that fall would have resulted in some serious injury for me.

Allergies are here; My nose is running like a fucking faucet.

Allergy medication?

What's that?

melog-20110223.log

Well, I didn't get to work-out today. I woke up late, but figured I'd have time this evening.

Nope. I had to work some overtime. Didn't get home until after 23:00.

Looks like I'll have to do double-duty later this week.

I was just telling my friend how I was still sticking with it, too.

It just goes to show that you have to take care of first things, first.

melog-20110217.log

This seventh week has been a test of my resolve. I've often felt a strong desire to skip working out. But, I have hung in there this week and I stuck to my routine. Looking back, I'm proud of myself for sticking to the plan.

Now, I can fit into pair of jeans that I couldn't get past my thighs. I like that. It's almost like getting a new pair of jeans for free.

Well, better hit the sack-- gotta get up and lift weights in the morning before getting the kids ready for school.

melog-20110214.log.0

Finished my workout.

I looked up at the night sky afterwards and saw a full-circle halo around the moon.

Nice!

melog-20110214.log

I stayed up really late helping my wife with her homework last night. I didn't wake up early enough to workout as a result. I thought I would get in my workout as soon as I got home from work, but my son needed a lot of help with his homework.

So, now I may stay up late again because I refuse to skip my workout.

My son heard me complain about having to stay up and spend time on homework tonight. To this he replied:

Go workout; I got this.

Sometimes, I think he forgets that he's nine.

And sometimes, I forget, too.